Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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