I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
