My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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