Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
