My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
