why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
