I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
