you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
