Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
