Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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