so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
