getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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