Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
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