he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize