This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
