She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I deserve this hangover.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
