I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
