great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
