our cab driver is having phone sex.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
