Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
