you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
