you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
