I wish I could teleport
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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