got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize