i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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