Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize