Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
