OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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