The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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