do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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