He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
