youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
