oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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