I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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