i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Randomize