fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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