and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
