I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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