I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
