he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
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