Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
