you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
false alarm, still single
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