I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Randomize
