Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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