I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
