I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
