After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
