How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
