I'm eating all of the evidence.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Randomize
