did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize