Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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