Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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