I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
