I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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