This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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