On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
