Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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