homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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