maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
