I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
