I will die if light touches me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
