I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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