trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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