a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize