This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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