You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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