I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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