handjob tips. give me some.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
