WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
