Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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