youre lurking in front of me
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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