I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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